Root/3rd eye
Basic stance+ movements, 30 min
I am learning that I have a choice. This is huge.
I had gone so far in the creative surrender that I assumed that this is the direction, to completely trust and surrender and just go with the flow. I did not understand that it was always up for me to decide which structures I want to have. My structures kept falling apart and I just assumed this was part of the process of trusting and surrendering.
Now, I am learning that freedom lies in the choice of letting go. That the concept of free will is something much deeper than just choosing not to act, that it can be expanded. Before, I thought that free will was when I accepted that I had no free will. But even that was questionable because would that decision at any given moment just be a link in the chain of my thoughts? Each time I tried to let go of trying to understand, the concept would eventually come back knocking on my brain again.
Now, I feel much more free by understanding how it is in my power to decide upon the structure I want to apply in my life. Feel. There is some new softness in my hands.
Yesterday, I tried to apply the slowness of the stance movement to drawing. I found that feeling which is to touch a lover super softly. I then tried to move my pencil with that same softness. It was difficult because it was somehow triggering. Like it felt good but somehow it felt sad at the same time. I was enjoying it, but there was such tension that came with it, and even now, I just cry as I write this. Maybe there is something like… that I find it hard to allow myself to feel like this alone. Fear, that it would grow into yearning and lack. Fear that the longer I worked with that feeling/energy, the sadder it would make me feel because it was just me. It is super exciting, especially because I had never worked with energy in such a conscious way before in the sense of being so present. Drawing with the intent to remember each stroke. That was what I was reaching for- to draw so slowly that I would remember each touch between the pen and the paper.
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So anyway, the drawing that came out is this and I find it hilarious. The product of my soft touch is not something that you would expect.


So my aim was to just completely surrender and try and touch the paper as softly as I could, the softness of whispering to a lovers ear of touching their neck or feeling as their goosepumps grow under the touch of my fingers. What I also felt super strongly about when starting this drawing was that I was so tired of the rainbow..like, for the last 10 images, everything has been so colorful because I just surrendered to nature’s desire for balance so I would just end up with super colorful images where a lot of the times energies were just having fun chasing each other around. And I allowed it. I didn’t choose, I just picked whatever color wanted to come in next until enough was enough…I just needed some more ORDER 😀 Ha ha . Me and order. That is so funny.
So now, when looking at the image, I suppose it is kind of…I don’t know, maybe the touch and slowness just destroy the fun (so a new, more softer way of fun can take birth).. there seems to be a lot of disappointment in the image. Also, all the colors are in one place and don’t combine with each other. I also noticed that the color of the crown chakra is missing. So maybe it manifests the order that I have been yearning for. Maybe I can start to move into colors one by one:)
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The soft pink vehicle
I have a desire to draw a soft pink vehicle.
I realize that by being open to everything, I attract everything. This can, of course, be cool but also very tiring. I assumed that if I attracted a person, for example, this was for a reason and that it was kind of my duty to communicate with them. I am moving more into the realization that I can and should make choices, that the choices are what build up the web that can support the flow of creativity. I choose my reality. I choose how to feel.
I am learning to make choices. Before I didn’t know how, I didn’t think I know how to choose. I was afraid to choose, I thought that something higher up knows better what should be chosen (just as for the lionshare of my life many decisions were made by my father and even when not, I was still unconsciously making decisions with the desire of his acceptance in mind) So the only thing I learned to choose was to surrender, to let go and trust, because that was abstract, it was not really a choice but a paradox. I learned that as I let go, there is always something else that shows up, and it was fun. I like surprises so much! I like to feel my jaw on the floor. I genuinely enjoy experiencing the moments of W T F. Maybe I was also confused because I thought I had to choose a thing. Still, at the same time, I had already come to understand that I had everything I needed, and whenever I needed something, it would just show up. I knew (because of numerous synchronicities) that I was looked after because many times, the things that appeared, I hadn’t yet even realized I needed them myself. So if there was higher intelligence operating, why should I choose any object for myself? I knew that for sure I didn’t know what THING I wanted. I like getting stuff, sure. But like.. kinder eggs.
I am now learning I can choose a feeling. I can choose how to feel, and oh boy, do I know many answers to that. 😀 I’m not so clueless anymore. I can choose the feeling of the soft touch. I can become the feeling of the soft touch myself. I can allow it so more of it can choose me. I trust that the pull is coming from somewhere. There is a source, and I can move into that source.
By choosing a feeling, I am choosing myself.
Or maybe
I am choosing what to integrate as I can never really choose myself, but only that which to become more of?
I think one of my favorite feeling in the world is when I laugh so hard I feel like I am going to pass out
or when in a situation where it is not ethical to laugh but the laugh is coming up and then I have to hold it and the tension builds and then the fact that I am holding the laughter becomes even funnier then when everything first started. It feels good to break out laughing and feel like you have absolutely no control over it. And by understanding that the energy is so much stronger than me, I just feel free completely and let go.
Is there anything funnier than looking at the person who is trying not to laugh? Your mind is commanding you to be a proper person but your soul is just dying with laughter.