Location: Root/Crown (direction:up, healing shame)

In the morning, as I did the 20-minute stance, I kept thinking to myself how I had no structure and no willpower and how this was so difficult for me—standing. How standing is so difficult and how there is so much resistance. Then I became sick and felt like I was going to throw up. I sat on the floor and cried.

I was excited about such a strong trigger because I knew it meant that I was onto solving something huge. Seriously, I can’t even remember the last time I felt like throwing up and if I had ever felt like throwing up (unless because of intoxication). I can only recall once when in third grade, running 400 meters. I fucking hated 400 meters because I was kind of good at it, so I really went in for the kill and pretty much killed myself.

I have been looking for a structure for such a long time, and I just could not find it. Last year, I “lived” in 12 different places. It was not my intention; it just happened. It was not bad because this has taught me to let go, let go, let go, and adapt, adapt, adapt. Surrender. Go with the flow and trust.

I have applied for many residencies with the greatest vulnerability and openness, jet I have never been accepted. I realize now that what I wanted was the structure it would provide me. I realized that this is why I loved going to multiple universities: I needed the structure. I always looked outside of myself for something to provide the structure, and whenever I tried to build my own, I felt like I didn’t have the resources to do it alone. I always had a good start and many ideas, but hard to follow through. Aries. The spark! The initiator.

I realize now that I have not been able to get what I did not have within and that not getting what I wanted has, of course, led me to find the structure within so I could once again be less dependent on outside circumstances and, therefore, come to greater contact with what is actually meant for me based on shared values and not because I need the structure that something provides.

Maybe, just like drawing, my weakest link has the potential to grow into my strongest capability.

People feel justified in paying for the labors of the mind but not the labors of the soul. This is partly because the latter is not so tangible and partly because they cannot recognize it, for they have not recognized it within themselves. Therefore, they see no value in it, even though they might be affected, but they can’t feel or understand it. The mind is too active and dominant.

To completely surrender to what is, there has to be a balance between holding on and letting go. The soul can fly forever, but the Mindbody needs somewhere to land and rest to keep flying with the soul, like birds sitting on the electric wires and then taking off again to faraway lands. This is the basis of a beautiful relationship.

Thank you life.

Thank you for letting me

experience, appreciate, and celebrate the beauty of You.

I’ll fly with You as I create my wires.

And I remembered this song 🙂