Location: Root/Crown (direction: up; unblocking guilt)

Today, I woke up with the following question: What is a container? I didn’t know what it was, but I felt I needed containers.

I then started drawing; I felt like drawing a soft, stable space for myself to go, and that is where I started. (it is the orange/pink structure in the middle). The exciting thing about this drawing is that even though characters are appearing, I have not given them eyes, and I am curious to see how far I can take this. As I create and keep them asleep, I feel some pressure growing inside me. I assume that the further I draw without waking them up/giving them intention, the bigger the explosion will be once I decide to do it. If I choose to do it.. can I not do it? Can I just let it be peaceful, or must I set it on fire?

As I drew the image, I also scribbled thoughts that came into my mind. Here goes:

Safety net, container, structure.

I am not getting punished if I don’t punish myself.

When you give them eyes, you provide them with intention; you set things into motion.

As long as they can sleep, it looks to be peaceful…?

As soon as one gets eyes, it’s playtime!

If you want to rest, recharge, grow more, be careful with the eyes 🙂

But of course, I am curious too to see what can happen..

When they open their eyes

emotions arise.

It’s fun

I am scared of myself. What happens in the peace? Reality shifts … I can’t go too far. I am learning to return to the temple. I am building the temple.

I grow like a plant

Blue is the emotion

Nobody knows what’s next because nobody knows me, not even me.

The longer I sleep, the more safety there is, the less freedom there is. New freedom then has to be created by destruction unless we just observe and float along.

Go through the fear! It will keep you small by trying to explain yourself through something small, by trying to draw parallels with something small and “fixed.” You don’t go because of fear that your reality will become smaller, that you will be defined by something outside of you, by some structure, that by knowing what you are, you lose meaning and die, that the loss of meaning equals suffering.

When just in flow, one moment, everything is dark, still, and without color. It is all visible, and the next moment, it is dark and forgotten.

So now only one will move, not the whole.

But if I create with light, how can it turn dark?

I play hide and seek with myself.

Maybe I decided to hide from myself to see the reality come to life once again.

Painful but worth it, bliss is created with pain; that is where it trains

you let go of all and, finally, yourself

You travel until you know it all

and then you wake up in a bigger world

again small, in a way to know it all

It is either beautiful and means nothing, or when you make decisions, when you stop, you choose the meaning, created by the space that surrounds it.

The moment I turn on the switch (give my sleeping characters eyes), it is game on! The lights are on!

So you “control” by staying peaceful

, but at some point, there is a pressure that grows

action triggers inspiration

I can learn by observing but feel it by taking action.

It used to be that when I felt, I could not observe simultaneously. I am now learning to do it.

Maybe the ones who are present, form the One that looks after us all?

Every image is like playing hide and seek with myself. What am I this time, meaning, what will I let go of this time?

(END OF NOTES)

Later that day, I went to my Ayurvedic doctor for a massage. I explained to him how I had discovered the movement of energies through the energy centers. As I drew a picture for him to understand, he just took my hand with the kindest softness while his eyes were shining with excitement, which seemed like happiness for us now, sharing a more similar reality than before.

After the massage, he told me that the upper chakras are greatly expanding but that my solar plexus is the weakest:)

I am working on it. I explained how my father had always given the structure, and now that I had been clearing out the blockages, I was finally free to build a structure of my own that was individual from my father. I told him I knew I had been just flowing around like water because I could and did not know how to do it differently. I was led to believe that the best thing is to do things when I feel like doing them, and of course, I had always been in trouble when I needed to get things done but didn’t feel like it. I then tried to change my state of being, but in most cases, it was unsuccessful. So I had burned many bridges by being unable to get things done in time, for when I was pushing to do them, I was met with such great resistance that I was completely blocked. I then tried to tell myself that, for some reason, this was necessary and that maybe what I had chosen to do was not for me to accomplish in the first place. It was not me trying to justify falling short but instead trying to understand why it had happened and console myself. This has brought me immense amounts of suffering and pain. All these situations when I need to get something done, but I just can’t do it. I am just completely blocked. At the same time, I am scared of being punished for not having done the work on time. It has been hell. Hell created by emotions of guilt and shame, and fear.

The fact that my father had provided me with some kind of structure that somewhat held me, on the one hand, made me into a person with little willpower, no discipline, and no money, almost ever. On the other hand, it led me to discover my value through creativity, my soul, and my connection with the Divine. It was time for me to start building my own structure so that I could become independent and break free, so that I could finally find a way to support myself.